I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
