I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
this beer tastes like vomit already
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize