I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize