i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i was born a porn star she said
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
