I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
