Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Randomize
