did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
