I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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