what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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