The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
