I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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