my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
