I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
