not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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