Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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