sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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