i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
