She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
