Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
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When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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