do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
