I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
barbara walters just said penis...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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