hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
