I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You are the jesus of drinking
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
