If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Randomize
