My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize