Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
