If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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