Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
