We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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