if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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