He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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