NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
