atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
