weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
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Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
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Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.