she woke up with a sticky ear
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
