Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
