I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is the high leading the old right now
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
