My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
