So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
