I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
