There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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