they need to just BURY HIM!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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