Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
