I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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