cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
