chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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