I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
smell my finger.
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a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
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Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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