Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
