Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
