So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
