I like my sex mixed with concussions.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
