you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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