You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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