is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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